User Profile

This Journal
This journal was created as something of an experiment. The theory is basically "LJ as a tool for self-discovery and -improvement."

Basically, I'm sick of not liking myself, especially when there are a lot of things about myself that I do like. For years I've been making slow but steady progress on cultivating these things in myself, learning to find things in myself that I like, and changing those things that bother me (those that I can change, anyhow). But due to a lack of support, guidance, and structure this progress has pretty much plateaued.

For some time I've toyed with the idea that LiveJournal could provide those things. As of December 2005, I'm following my hunch.

Background Info
I come from a loving family, with a history of emotional problems. Other than Seasonal Affective Disorder, I'm not sure what I personally am diagnosed with, though Type Two Bipolar, clinical depression, Asperger's Syndrome, and ADD/ADHD all run in my family. Honestly, I feel that it says more about me to simply explain what I have difficulty with. I'm overly sensitive to sensory input and can be "overloaded" by it. I suffer from panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I have seasonal depression but suffer from depression year-round as well. I'm socially awkward in that I have a hard time both reading and expressing emotions through body language, tone of voice, and facial expression. I lack organisational skills, both physically and mentally, if that makes any sense. I have a hard time getting to sleep at night because I can't stop thinking. I have "manic highs" at times; a mix of feeling hyper, overly ambitious and enthusiastic, and generally happier than a given situation might warrent in the same way that one of the components of depression is feeling more sad than a given situation might warrent.

I dropped out of high school at the end of 10th grade when I was told I'd missed so much school I would have to repeat the year. Due largely to emotional difficulties, I have only worked from about a total of 14 months in my adult life. Most of that was around the time I was or would have been in high school, though recently I held a part-time seasonal position at Michael's Craft Store. It's still up in the air with regard to the job becoming permanent part-time. As a result of fairly minimal time spent working or going to school, I've spent a lot of time figuring myself out. Actually, it probably something of a recursive situation; a lot of what I've been trying to figure out about myself is why I have a hard time in school and employment situations.

Due largely to issues with sensory input, I've never fully incorporated certain basic personal hygiene routines such as basic dental care or taking steps to prevent acne. This is a long-standing issue with me, and while I don't feel it affects my health it has some effect on my quality of life.

I gained about fifty pounds last winter and there are a few related causes. All of them are basically "because I was depressed". Since around May, I've been trying to lose the weight and not succeeding in any substantial way. I flaked out for a few months around Sept-Nov due to lack of improvement and the onset of shorter days. About a month ago I was mortified to find my weight had crept within a few pounds of 200, and started watching what I was eating again, trying to drink enough water, and bought a treadmill. I'm making steady improvement, and am holding at about 190 right now. For reference, I am 23 years old and about five-foot-eight.

This may sound trite and or overly dramatic, but I feel that clutter is part of what is preventing me from being happy. I believe that surroundings have a profound effect on mental health. I'm trying to learn how to keep up with housework, and I'm trying to de-clutter to a point where I only own things that make me happy. Basically, I'm trying to discover the balance between materialism and minimalism. On a less zen note, a cleaner apartment would mean I could have the space to pursue hobbies and projects that often get mentally shelved because I haven't got room to do them.

I have fairly libral views and a fairly alternative lifestyle. This does not bother me, it's not part of what I'm trying to change. I'm just including this in my background because I thought that if you read this much of this you might want to know. Also, you may want to go read some one else's journal if you're bothered by such things as having multiple committed relationships, being attracted to both genders, believing in the coexistance of both magic and science in this world, and accepting Jesus as a groovy guy who may (or may not) have been a son of God, but not the only one.

LJ related and random stuff
Feel free to friend me, that's a big part of why I have this journal; I want people to be able to follow my progress, cheer me on, support me, and hold me accountable when I don't keep up with it. You don't need permission to friend me, but I'd appreciate a comment letting me know you have, so I can friend you back. And if you could, let me know how you found my journal.

Also, if anyone has suggestions for LJ stuff I might be interested in (icons, communities, whathaveyou) please let me know!


Sark is Love


Threesomes are half again the love.

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